Okay, here goes.
Not again.
- You're getting better. - I stink.
Yeah, but you're getting better. This time just try to hit it just a little higher,
a little straighter, and a little further.
Or any one of those.
It's these stupid birdies. Why won't they fly?
Sorry.
Do I get any points for that?
Feeling groovy. Far out.
To review, bone is comprised primarily of what?
Come on, it's written on the board behind me.
Calcium. I just told you kids five minutes ago. Don't you listen?
That you heard.
Okay, for homework tonight read chapter 15.
And reread chapter 14. It's for your own good.
Mr. Pool, can I say something?
- What is it, Sabrina? - A bone's hardness is derived mainly
from calcium phosphate and calcium carbonate
with small amounts of fluorides, sulphates and chlorides.
You listened to what I said?
Why didn't you raise your hand?
It's never enough for you, is it?
Wah!
Your point?
I just found out they're offering kung fu as a P.E. elective. Isn't that cool?
What about badminton?
Badminton won't register these as lethal weapons.
Well, you said I should register my racket.
Well, you've got to learn to hold on to that thing.
It's hard. I'm not a jock like you.
I mean, you probably have a ton of these.
Eighteen is not a ton.
And besides, it's no big deal.
Trophies are just a symbol of superiority and greatness.
Oh, and who'd want one of those?
I think this semester I'm gonna take basketball.
That way I can get some reading done on the bench.
Actually, I was hoping you'd take kung fu with me.
Really? That'd be fun.
- Hai-ya! - Oh!
Sorry.
I think that deserves a round of applause.
I said--
Hilda, we're on our last vase.
But I'm rehearsing for the biggest audition of my career.
I need all the encouragement I can get.
There. Now take a break.
You've been practising that same piece since MoZart wrote it.
But no one plays it better than Gustav Von Hegel.
He's the one I have to beat.
- Hi, aunties, I'm home. - Hi.
Wow. Pretty roses, and nice arrangement.
They're from my loyal, but imaginary fans.
Did you have fun in school?
Yeah, Harvey asked me to take kung fu with him.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
I just hope I don't maim him. Would one of you sign my permission slip?
You do it. I have to protect my hands.
What are we doing?
I think this music is supposed to psych us up,
but it's not exactly "We Will Rock You."
Ha!
Good day, students.
Mr. Pool?
I am your Si Fu and I'll be teaching you P.E.
So if you'll all please rise to your feet.
I can't believe Mr. Pool knows kung fu.
I can. Think about how much he was probably beat up as a kid.
Now, we'll begin our class with the customary bow,
to show respect for your Si Fu.
Come on, it's tradition.
Now, we'll begin with some breathing exercises
designed to help you locate your chi.
And, no, that's not something you left in your locker.
No, chi is inner strength.
So everybody breathe in.
- And out. - Wow, this is easier than badminton.
Not that badminton's easy.
Okay, I'm gonna need a volunteer. So can I see a show of hands?
No one.
JeeZ, I might as well be teaching biology.
Mr. Pool,
- I'll give ageless wisdom a shot. - Thank you.
Now, together we're gonna demonstrate
the philosophy of the river and the rock.
- Which do you wanna be? - The rock, obviously.
Nothing can move a rock.
Western thinking.
Okay, Sabrina will be the rock.
I'll be the river. We'll see which one is stronger.
We bow.
And go.
- You tripped me. - The river tripped you.
The river always beats the rock.
Because the river has great inner strength.
Oh, maybe the rock has great inner strength too,
- but didn't have a chance to use it. - The rock is slow and heavy.
The river's all wet.
- The rock wants a rematch. - The river's game.
What are they talking about?
We bow.
And go.
Ah-ha. Very smart. You see--
- The rock wins. - And that's the proper way to fall.
- All right, two out of three. - You've got it.
I didn't know Sabrina could do that.
No más. No más.
Yeah!
Open the door, Sabrina. My hands.
It's Mr. Pool. Duck.
The reason I'm here is, well, today in kung fu--
Actually, I think it's better if you hear this from me.
Today in kung fu, I kicked Mr. Pool's butt.
Sabrina, you didn't!
I've never seen such natural gifts,
which is why I'm here.
Sabrina, are you at all interested in glory?
Now, I could go for some glory.
There's a kung fu competition in Boston next week.
I think you have the potential to make some waves in the river.
Aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves?
She's had one class in a public school.
She can't be ready for competition.
But I am. I can prove it. Wanna see me flip Mr. Pool again?
- Yes. - No, that won't be necessary.
So can she go?
Well, it's up to her.
- Okay. - Great.
I'll just file the necessary paperwork,
then swing by my HMO for a quick CAT scan
to make sure this ringing in my ears is no big deal.
I'll see you tomorrow. Hopefully without all these spots.
See you.
Woo-hoo! I think I found my sport. Yes! I'm a jock.
Pretend you didn't see that.
She seems happy.
It's all a little too easy. I smell a rat.
Ooh, a rat.
Oh, wait. I had rat for lunch.
Cute.
And deadly.
You knocked?
Can we come in?
All doors are open on the path to enlightenment.
We'll take that as a yes.
Sabrina, we have a question.
Mr. Pool spoke of your "natural gifts."
And we wondering, are they truly natural, or supernatural?
You mean, did I use my magic?
Bear in mind, we're not accusing, we're just asking.
- Well, I did. - How could you?
What were you thinking?
I thought you wanted me to use my magic more.
We do, but not when you compete against mortals.
Then your magic gives you an unfair advantage.
That's why I've been practising so hard.
I want to win first chair not because I'm a witch,
but because I have talent.
But I don't have talent. In fact, I stink at sports.
Well, have you tried something easy, like badminton?
Look, are you saying I can't do this?
We're saying let your conscience be your guide.
Use your moral compass. Or you can borrow mine.
Here. Try it.
How accurate is this?
We'll leave you alone to think about that.
- Zelda, the door. - Oh, stop it.
I saw you cracking walnuts earlier.
"Let your conscience be your guide." I hate when they say that.
Now I have no idea what to do.
You should consider the pros and cons.
Okay, I use my magic, I win.
Without it, I lose.
Win, lose, win, lose.
I'm going with win.
Wow, some of these guys are really big.
Yeah. I wish we had trained more.
You know, beyond the breathing exercises.
I'll be fine, Mr. Pool. Don't forget. I've got my inner strength.
And don't forget, I have a permission slip signed by your legal guardians.
I know him.
That's the bad guy from the movie Drangonkiller.
His name is Tai Wai Tse.
And he's a great fighter with a colossal chi.
Last time I saw him he was impaled on punji sticks. He looks good.
Will I be doing combat with him?
Only if you win all three of your matches.
So let's just focus and concentrate on your first opponent.
Right. Focus and concentrate.
Focus and concentrate. Focus and concentrate.
Oh, Harvey, you made it.
I couldn't miss your big match. I mean, it's amaZing
all the progress you've made in the past two days.
Oh, well, Mr. Pool's a great teacher.
Well, listen, there's something I wanna say to you
that's something I always wished my dad would say to me before a game.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, you're still a winner to me.
Thanks.
Now excuse me, Harvey, I've got to go kick some butt.
"So, Tigerbalm,
you killed my brother, you killed my father
and now you've you come for me. But you will not succeed."
What are you talking about?
That's what the guy said at the end of Dragonkiller
before he tossed you on the punji sticks.
Oh, yeah, punji sticks. That was fun.
Are you ready to get this over with?
Aren't we supposed to spar verbally first?
Only in the movies.
Now it is time for me
to defeat you.
You can try. But you will not succeed.
If the vendor comes by, order me an Icee.
The winner is Sabrina.
Way to go. I eat lunch with her.
A trophy?
I have a trophy.
Is this real gold?
It's such a great trophy, Salem.
Look, it says "First," it's got that little gold guy on top.
It really is the best trophy. And look.
It comes up past my knee.
And you know what else occurs to me?
Is it about the trophy?
I just realised I can retire now.
Because I'm not greedy. I just wanted one trophy and now I've got one.
I'm glad it all worked out.
Now go to sleep.
Okay. Trophy, trophy, trophy. I'm done.
- Cheater. - What?
Cheater.
Salem, what did you say?
I didn't say anything. It came from over there.
- Over where? - By your trophy.
- My trophy? - Cheater.
My trophy.
- Did you say something? - Pbbt! Cheater.
- What is this about? - You didn't deserve to win me.
You used magic. You're a cheater.
Hey, lay off, you gold-plated mantel warmer.
Don't start with me, tabby. I'll take you out with a single blow.
- I'll mess you up. - You're going down.
Stop it. Both of you.
Now, can we discuss this in the morning?
Sure we can discuss this in the morning.
But I'm not gonna shut up tonight. Cheater, cheater.
- Cheater, cheater, cheater. - You'll wake up my aunts.
- They're asleep? - Yes.
Cheater! Cheater!
- You leave me no alternative. - Cheater. Cheater. Cheater. Cheater.
Ooh, now you're making me mad.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
What's all the noise?
- Is everything okay? - No.
My trophy won't shut up.
Well, just tell it to-- Huh?
He keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.
I take it you decided to compete in kung fu.
Yeah, and she won. Cheater.
Well, that explains it.
The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.
You told me to decide for myself, and I did.
And you decided wrong.
How do I get it to stop yapping?
Well, you can put a teeny-weeny sock in his mouth,
or you could clear your conscience.
I have a better idea.
What? That's where I was planning to keep it.
Here's our champion, huh?
Sabrina, I bow to your greatness.
- Please, don't. - No, you deserve it.
Not many people could compete the way you did.
That's true.
So where's your trophy?
At home in the freeZer, with all our other valuables.
Don't you want to show it off in the trophy case?
No. It's really not that great a trophy.
Are you kidding? It comes up to your knee.
Besides, that trophy says you're the best.
Well, that may be what it says to you, but it's not what it says to me.
- Hilda. - Gustov.
How nice to see you. What are you doing here?
Auditioning for first chair, same as you.
No, not same as me.
You never play same as me.
Hello, Stradi.
You have a Stradivarius?
Yes. That other job I beat you out for paid me well enough to buy it.
And the case.
Well, you're not gonna beat me this time.
Oh, no? I think I will.
I think you are fine for weddings, bar mitZvahs, hoedowns,
but being first chair requires skill, talent, me.
You know, I've got my fans too. And they think this is my year.
Give it up. There's nothing you can do.
Oh, yes, there is.
What? Are you gonna cry like a little baby?
- "Boo-hoo, choose me." - No.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm going to go in there and play like I've never played before.
That would be an excellent idea.
I take it the audition didn't go well?
Gustav got first. I got second.
I'm so sorry.
- Should I notify the weather service? - No.
There.
Now it's out of my system.
Hi, guys.
- Hi. - Hi.
You'll be happy to know, I'm ready to do the right thing.
Oh, Sabrina, that's great.
I did the right thing.
Oh, yeah, your audition. How did it go?
They did the right thing.
So did you get first chair?
No. I got second chair.
But I tried my hardest,
and second chair is even better than first chair
when you think about it over and over until words lose all meaning.
You can drop it, Aunt Hilda.
I've already decided to give back the trophy.
Cheater. Cheater.
Okay, I was gonna run you under hot water.
But now, you get nothing.
I am tired of playing the ninja assassin.
I know, Marty.
Look, I just want to play the dad on a phone commercial.
Yeah, work on it. Look, I gotta go.
Someone's at the door. Love you, ciao.
Hi, Tai. You probably don't remember me.
Yeah, like so many little blond girls kick my butt
that I can't keep them straight.
You're Sabrina, right?
Yeah, I came to bring you this. I think you should have it.
You won it, you keep it.
You keep it. It'll be happier here.
Look.
See, he's surrounded by his little friends. Okay, gotta go.
Wait, wait.
I can't keep this trophy.
Even though it comes past my knee, I haven't earned it.
It'd be meaningless.
It's more annoying than meaningless.
I could only accept it if I won it honourably in a rematch.
You mean I'd have to fight you again? But we already did that.
Okay, how about this, we play foosball?
There is no honour in foosball.
Wrong.
Mr. Pool, can we talk?
Oh, of course my little Dragonkiller killer.
I thought you should know I agreed to a rematch with Tai Wai Tse.
That's fantastic. I'm thrilled.
Although, all future bookings should go through me.
That won't happen again. Now, here's the thing.
I need you to train me.
Oh, sure. We'll do our usual breathing exercises.
No, I mean really train me. Like, teach me to fight.
- But you know how to fight. - I forgot.
I lost my chi. Where's my chi? Have you seen it?
Sabrina, look, it's right there inside you. Now, you've got the stuff.
I don't know what made you lose your confidence,
but I suggest you get it back really soon.
Okay, you're right. I just need to focus and concentrate.
Focus and concentrate, focus and concentrate.
Oh, sorry.
- Good luck. - Thanks.
There's Tai Wai Tse.
Does he look flabbier to you?
Not really.
Go get him, Sabrina.
So, Sabrina, we meet again.
Yeah. Hi. Nice shirt.
Okay.
Guess upper body isn't my strength. Let's go for legs.
Can you come over here?
I have to ask you a question.
No way. It's a trick. You'll pull me down.
No, I won't. I just wanna ask if there's an honourable way to beg for mercy.
It's not time for mercy yet.
How about now?
You approached this match with honour, Sabrina.
Now close your eyes and we'll end it that way.
Your knee-high trophy is mine.
Sabrina, are you okay?
I think I bruised my chi, but my conscience is clear.
Excuse me. There's something I have to do.
So I guess this is it. I'm giving you to your rightful owner.
I'm not a cheater anymore.
I know. Pbbt! Loser.
I'm not gonna miss you one bit.
Hey, Aunt Zelda. Look.
Oh, you did the right thing. How do you feel?
Sore, but good. Where's Aunt Hilda? I want to tell her the news.
She's at the symphony. It's her first night playing second chair.
I wish she had beaten that guy.
Me too. But what can you do?
- Can we come in? - Sure.
We've got something for you.
- Is that a trophy? - And it comes up to your ankle.
"World's Greatest Niece."
- Oh, that's so nice. - Oh, well you earned it.
Fair and square.
- Hey, what's that around your neck? - Nothing.
It's a gold medal, isn't it?
Where did you get that?
Kerri Strug gave it to me.
Homework time.